The Kazaana SUCKS!
by Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform
Summary: Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, and Shippo are sucked into Miroku's Kazaana and must go on an insane and humorous adventure to try and get out! Contains the losing of Kag's sanity, Mir trying to cook, and Inu's infamous potty mouth.
1. Why Miroku Should Never Try Cooking

Hello, dear friends, young and old. I am here to tell you all of a tale. A quite idiotic and meaningless tale that you will find yourself falling asleep right in the middle of and waking up to wonder why you have been wasting all your precious time sitting in front of a glowing box while maybe even permanently damaging your eyes, but nonetheless, a tale. Now, this story begins in the midst of a quiet and peaceful Senjoku Jidai evening. Our heroes, Inuyasha the foul-mouthed, half-dog demon, Miroku the perverted houshi with a Kazaana cursed unto his right hand, Sango the beautiful and powerful demon exterminator, and Kagome the young, teenage schoolgirl from the "future" who has no real talent-

[ Kagome: Hey!

Onigiri: Hi, how ya doin'? =33 ]

-are all gathering around a small campfire, eating their curry and chow mein (Kagome had brought Chinese take-out from her time earlier that day). Now, at this moment, darling readers, you may be pondering to yourself, "Why does this somehow remind me of Little Miss Muffet??", but don't despair, for there is now spider in this story.

At that moment, a gimungus demon arachnid rises out from the nearby bushes, screeching in such a high pitch that is almost unbearable to the ears while spreading its large, dragon-like wings out away from its hairy body. It then races towards the gang, the latter just noticing its presence, eyes widening in fear.

Heheh. Well, no one ever said a narrator had to be perfect. . .

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**The Kazaana SUCKS!**

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by yours truly,

Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform

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o0o-Chapter One-o0o

Hello!

I cannot answer the phone right now, for I am currently inside a monk's hand.

Please leave a message after the tone.

(_beeeeeeeeeep_)

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The first to actually react to the monstrous creature, Miroku quickly jumped to his feet and grabbed a firm hold of the beads around his right hand. "Too easy!" he shouted with a smirk, but brows still furrowed in concentration. "I can take this bugger out with one shot! You guys just stand. . . . .BACK!!!!!" At that second, he whipped off the violet glove around his hand and before you could say "Inuyasha loves Kagome", the demon was sucked straight into the gaping void with only one last, piercing cry echoing throughout the silent woods.

"Wow!!" Kagome and Sango breathed, eyes all a glittery and sparkling with their hands clasped together.

Glaring, Inuyasha turned his head to the side and spat, "Big deal. So he squashed some stupid bug. I could do the same thing with my eyes open and hands scratching my back."

"Huh?" The two girls looked at him and cocked an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

"Uh. . .um. . ." the hanyou bishie stuttered, darting his eyes around for an answer. ". . .Th-Thank you???"

Sango was now even more confused than ever and Kagome leaned towards the dog-eared boy with her eyes half-circle-cat-eyes and mumbled, "Inuyasha, that only works in commercials and that commercial's not even shown in the Feudal Era or _anywhere _in Japan, anyway."

"Oh. . .right."

The black-haired schoolgirl slapped herself and slowly ran her hand down her face while grumbling something about "not fair. . . .the only one able to get away with one-liners like 'feh'. . . .short attention-span. . . .end up working at McDonald's. . . .why am I talking to myself anyway?. . . .and they thought therapy would help. . .".

"You know. . ." Kagome's and Sango's eyes widened at Inuyasha's voice and they quickly turned to look at him with questioning looks. Crossing his arms and staring out at the direction toward the monk, he continued, "I've always wondered. . .when a demon or monster gets sucked into Miroku's Wind Tunnel. . .what the hell do you think it's like in there?"

"Well, of course you do," Sango suddenly interrupted. "You _have _to wonder that in order for the plot to unfold. Otherwise there'd be no point for the authoress to write the fic in the first place."

Inuyasha stared at the kunoichi with a blank look. "What's a. . .'fic'?"

"It's short for 'fanfiction'," she explained in a matter-of-fact way. "It's like. . .a story that. . .well people write them and. . .ugh, let me just show you an example!" Sango then whipped out a small stack of papers and shoved them in the hanyou's face. He carefully took them into his own hands. . . .slowly scanned the words over. . . .and, suddenly, his eyes became so wide they nearly popped out of his head. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!?!?! I TURN INTO A **GIRL**!?!?!?!?!"

"Eheheh. Well, you see. . ." With a small sweatdrop, Sango took the papers back from Inuyasha's shaking hands and put them into that secret compartment all cartoon characters have which can hold an infinite amount of things inside. "Some fanfiction writers have very creative minds and whenever their fingers touch that keyboard, anything can go, so. . ."

"Woah. . ." Kagome whispered with pupils turned to dots as she stared down at another set of papers she somehow sneaked from Sango.

"What? What does it say?" Inuyasha asked the girl curiously. Sango then suddenly got right up in his face, putting on a fake smile while frantically waving her hands in front of her face, the sweatdrop growing larger.

"Oh, uh, you don't want to read _that_ fanfic, Inuyasha. It's really just boring and it would just be a wasted of time. . ."

The hanyou just pushed her aside and took the papers from Kagome, who still stared down at her now empty hands in a state of complete and utter shock. "I just wanna read the first page. . ." he said, looking down at the paper. His jaw then immediately fell to the floor.

. . .One. . .

. . .Two. . .

. . .Three. . .

"**_WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!!!??????????_**"

Birds scattered to the winds. Sango began waving her hands even faster, stuttering out meaningless dribble while trying in vain to calm the raging dog-demon down. And Kagome just kept staring at those hands.

"ME AN' **_MIROKU_**!!!???" Inuyasha shouted with his face bright red. "HOW CAN THEY WRITE SUCH DISGUSTING SHIT!!!???"

"Hey. . ." Kagome suddenly said. "Where's Shippo. . .?"

"Huh?" Inuyasha and Sango both looked at her in unison.

"_Shippo?_" the hanyou then repeated, stressing the word as if it created a bad taste in his mouth. "Why the hell do you need _that _little runt?"

"Because, silly willy billy!" Kagome exclaimed. "We need him to be with us or he won't get sucked into Miroku's Kazaana and then the plot would be completely messed up!"

"Okay, okay, OKAY!" Inuyasha said quickly. "Just go get the pipsqueak already and don't talk about the plots or fanfics or anything anymore!" He then mumbled to himself, "Seriously, I think that slash fic scarred me for life. . ."

So no more than a second later, Kagome was off to find Shippo-chan and then, after making sure that the teenager was out of earshot, Sango leaned towards the silver-haired hanyou with a sly smile and whispered, "I don't know why you're so upset about it, Inuyasha. I think it was kinda cute how you slipped Miroku the tongue and-"

_**BAM!!!**_

With a huge lump on the side of her head, the demon exterminator wobbled around in a crooked circle, her eyes swirling. Inuyasha cracked his neck and massaged his right shoulder.

"Hiya, guys!"

The two turned to the sudden voice, which turned out to come from Shippo who was comfortably sitting himself on the top of Kagome's raven-colored head.

"What's up?" the chibi kitsune asked with a kawaii, little smile. At this question, Inuyasha and Sango looked up towards the sky, checking every blue and white space for what Shippo wanted them to find.

"I-I don't see anything. . ."

"Hmmm. . ."

Kagome sweatdropped and Shippo looked down at her. "Kagome, what are they doing? I thought you said people in your time always say that?"

"Heh."

"Heyyyy! You guyyyys!" came Miroku's voice suddenly from a short distance away.

Everyone looked at each other in unison, then nodded and ran over to the monk.

"What's u- Ow! Why did you pinch me, Kagome. . .??"

"Did you need something, Miroku?" Sango asked after a few whines from Shippo.

The monk smiled back at her. "I was thinking I could cook you all a special dinner tonight!"

The other four's heads all tilted to the side. "Hi-keh?"

Spying on them from behind the bushes, Hamtaro glared at them all.

"Um, but Miroku. . ." Kagome trailed off.

". . .we just ate dinner," Inuyasha finished.

"OOF!"

Sango suddenly elbowed them both in the stomach, then gave them a look, mouthing the word "plot". Inuyasha and Kagome immediately shut up.

"Sounds great!" Sango exclaimed with a smile, pushing her elbows further into the two's jiggly tummies. "B-But it would be far to much work to make all that food on your own. Let us help!"

"Hmmm. . ." Miroku looked doubtful.

"P-Please??"

"Well. . ." he started. "I was planning on making fried tuna over roasted pickles covered in soy sauce. . ."

Kagome and Inuyasha nearly puked as Sango forced a smile and said, "O-Oh! Well, w-we could chop the pickles! _Right, guys???_" She gave the hanyou and schoolgirl another "look" and the two nodded vigorously.

"O-Oh, yeah."

"Sounds great."

"We'd love to."

"Sounds great."

"It'll be our pleasure."

"Sounds great."

Sango smiled in satisfaction and released her elbows.

(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)

"Well, the pickles are all chopped!" Sango exclaimed with a wide smile as she, Inuyasha, and Kagome walked into the kitchen part of the hut they had made, each of them holding a small bowl of long, cold, slimy, smelly, wriggling, green things. Yes, they were moving. One of them had even managed to wiggle out of the bowl and crawl up Inuyasha's arm, the silver-haired dog-demon shuddering like crazy.

"Good, good," Miroku said, returning the smile. "Just pour them into this bowl-"He pointed to a large, brown bowl sitting on the counter in front of him. "-and then I'll mix in the other ingredients."

Sango nodded, took all three pickle-bowls and the small pickle on Inuyasha's shoulder (he let out a huge sigh of relief at this, as he had just noticed the pickle had tiny, little fangs) and did as Miroku instructed. Then, the violet-haired monk took out an electric mixer and stirred all the ingredients together, small gurgles of pain escaping the pickles as their bodies were ripped apart.

Inuyasha, Sango, and Kagome gagged (Shippo was still sniffling over that pinch).

"Uh-oh," Miroku suddenly said, the whirring of the mixer abruptly coming to a stop.

"Wh-What's wrong?" Kagome and Sango asked in unison. Inuyasha got ready to unsheathe Tetsusaiga. Shippo sobbed.

"N-Nothing. My glove. . .it's just caught in the mixer, that all. . ." The monk's hands fumbled around, the mixer going on and off every once in awhile. "I-If I can just-"

_**SHOOM!!!**_

The violet glove suddenly flew off his hand, and before you could say "Go to Hell, Kikyo", Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, and Shippo felt themselves being pulled into a swirling vortex. . . . .

**[ end chapter one ]**

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o/n:

**Hiya, guys! I hope you all enjoyed my newest fic!! Please R&R with comments and constructive critism, douzo, onegai shimasu!! :)**

**NEXT CHAPTER – Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, and Shippo discover that they have been sucked into the Kazaana. Now they must go on an adventure through the mysterious place to escape, but with hunger getting at everyone's nerves and Kagome slowly losing her sanity, they soon realise that the Kazaana SUCKS!**

**StAy TuNeD**

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_PS: If you think the rating should be higher due to language, tell me, ne? =3_


	2. The Hottie

_Uhhhhhhhhh. . . . . My head hurts. . . Where am I? _Who _am I? Oh, right, I'm Inuyasha. The good-looking and sexiest hanyou in the world that no lady can resist. Hehehhhhhhh._

_But, wait. . . Why can't I move???_

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**The Kazaana SUCKS!**

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by yours truly,

Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform

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REVIEWER THANKIN' TIME!

**_ Sango-san _**(story huggles you back) 33 Arigatou for the compliments! And your San/Mir fics are _great_! I'll be sure to read the rest of InuYasha Version of the Ringas soon as possible! Well, thanks for dropping by!! D

**_ Ganheim-san _**Hmm. Okay, you asked if this was going to be a serious story or just plain humorous and random and, well. . .it's a little of both. I mean, this story _does_ have a plot, though a not-so-serious one at that. However, that doesn't mean the story will just end up as a big, discombobulated mess. So. . .yeah. I don't really want to ask you to take this story more seriously because I don't think it was even that serious to begin with, but at least read this second chapter and _then _make your decision on whether or not reading The Kazaana SUCKS! is wasting your time. No one is forcing you to read this.

**_ Haunt-san _**She likes it! Hey, Mikey!! P Thanks fer reviewin' and about the Hamtaro thing. . . Well, see, whenever he is confused or something, the little dude always cocks his head to the side and goes, "Hi-keh?", so he was really, like, spying on the gang and glaring because they STOLE HIS LINE!!!!!. I hope that clears it up for ya. D Thanks, again!

**_ ainominako-san _** Wow!! I'm glad I made you laugh so much and hanks for the compliments!! 3

**_ Liika-san _**Yay! More laughter! D And there will be more about Hamtaro in future chapters. ) You know, I never liked those damn push-pops. . . They'd always get my finger sticky! T.T

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o0o-Chapter Two-o0o

It is _such_ a hassle when you lose your sanity because after you do, every single person who talks to you sounds like thheyy'rrre talllkiiinng ssooo ssllloowww and they make you wear the most _uncomfortable _white jacket and THOSE ANNOYING VOICES! Ugh, they're the _worst_! I mean, at first they're good company and make great conversations, but after a while they're just so boring and keep droning on and on and on.

. . .But the food's pretty good.

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There was nothing but darkness. . .

Inuyasha tried to move, but found he was stuck between something digging into his side and a hard place. ". . .The hell?" The hanyou's eyelids slowly lifted; his golden orbs examining the position he was currently in. It seemed something was lying on top of him. . . Correction: some_one_.

He tried to push the heavy weight off of him, but all it resulted in was a mass of raven-colored locks flowing down onto chest. At that second, realization donned. _'Kagome!'_ A wide, sly grin then spread across Inuyasha's face as one of his naked feet felt around until coming in contact with another, smoother surface of skin. The grin grew even larger and he began to rub his foot up the human's long leg then back down to her own uncovered foot.

This went on for a few minutes or so until he felt the girl begin to stir. The hanyou's foot then immediately froze.

"I-. . .I-Inuyasha. . .?" Kagome asked groggily, slowly rising off of him (the said hanyou getting up onto his elbows, a bit disappointed). Her legs folded under her into an Indian-style sitting position and she looked up at Inuyasha, furrowing her brows. "Inuyasha, were you. . .playing footsies with me??"

The hanyou's face lit up like a blood-red lantern, but immediately after, he took on that same sly grin. "Why, yes. . ." He inched closer toward the girl. "Does that. . ." His cold lips brushed against her soft ears as he whispered suggestively, ". . .turn you on?"

"Well, actually, I sorta have this foot fungus that's highly contagious," Kagome replied bluntly.

Inuyasha's eyes widened in a blank stare, then slowly moved downward toward his left foot.

"**YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**"

The dog-demon nearly jumped out of his skin as he looked down at the throbbing, oozing, dark purple lump that was probably three feet tall or more. Large, pulsating veins spiraled all around it in colors of purple, red, and green. "Wh-. . .What-. . .k-kind of fungus IS THAT!?!?" he screamed in fear, the mound of monstrous gross-osity towering above him.

"Wow. . ." Kagome breathed, slipping her feet back into the black buckled shoes that most likely had fallen off during her quite unpleasant descent into this alien place. "And here _I_ only got this tiny, little wart. . ."

"U-u-uhhhhh. . . K-Kago-ome, it's. . .i-it's. . ."

"Hm?" The raven-haired girl turned her head just in time to see the huge and grotesque deformation rip itself apart from Inuyasha's trembling foot, shooting high up into the sky. Her eyes were as wide as two baseballs as she watched the blob slowly begin to take the shape of. . .

". . .a person?"

"No. . ." Inuyasha growled, his brows furrowing together. "A hamster. . ." He then quickly unsheathed Tetsusaiga, and leapt into the air with ferocity. "YOU BASTARD RODENT THAT RESEMBLES A RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!" he screamed angrily, swinging the huge fang in his hands in a vertical slice. However, the tiny, shadowed figure swiftly dodged it, and jumped to the ground, Inuyasha landing his giant leap simultaneously.

"Tikki, tikki, tikki, tikki, tikki, tikki, tikkiiiiiiiiiiii!!" the little thing squeaked in fear, running over to Kagome who was still kneeling on one leg with hands around her shoe buckle, still a bit stunned. Then, a moment later. . . . .

"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!! GETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!" Kagome shrieked, hands thrashing at the small lump in her shirt moving around in frantic circles, face burning bright red.

Before Inuyasha could make a move, a low, masculine voice boomed, "Never fear, my lovely damsel in distress, for it is I. . ."

The inu hanyou and schoolgirl both turned their heads to the voice and gasped in unison.

"MINAZAWA COBALT!!!" exclaimed a gorgeous, teenage boy with long, black, spiky hair reaching down to his neck and thin, cat-like cobalt blue eyes. He wore a sleek, black trench coat that flapped around his calves, the cuffs covered in fluffy, white cotton all around. Under that was a tight-fitting, red shirt that showed off his lean but built body and a pair of loose, black pants. Inuyasha growled at him darkly; Kagome just melted.

"'Damsel in distress'!?" the dog demon growled. "It's just a stupid hamster! All ya gotta do is stick yer hand down her shirt and-"His eyes widened as he realized where this conversation was going and royally regretted ever opening his huge trap in the first place.

"Well," Cobalt began, brushing a strand of hair out of his heavenly eyes. "I am always willing. . ." He gracefully strode over to the motionless and blushing Kagome with his black, leather boot, the same white fluff covering the very tops. ". . .to help such a _beautiful _young lady in need. . ." He slowly lifted the right hand at his side up to the top button of the schoolgirl's schoolblouse and toyed with it for only a few seconds before it suddenly snapped right out of the buttonhole, causing Kagome to nearly jump out of her tense and burning skin. She watched stiffly as Cobalt reached for the next button. He gently toyed with this one just the same and as it slowly became undone, she felt a rush of cold air against the now exposed half of her chest, and her skin tingled, but she really felt like she was burning up, a drop of sweat rolling down her cheek as he reached for the last button. . .grasped it in his strong fingers. . . . .and. . . . . . .

"NOT IN YOUR FUCKIN' LIFE, PRETTY BOY!!!"

A red-clad leg came flying out of nowhere, striking Cobalt right across the jaw and sending him flying into the air. Blood splattered onto the bright, violet ground as he went spinning through the air, soon smacking against the hard, bumpy surface, as well.

"I-. . .Inuyasha. . . How. . . . ." Kagome breathed, looking up in awe at the scowling hanyou whose eyes glared deathly daggers at the unconscious boy. ". .DARE YOU DO THAT!!!!!" All admirer-ance instantly left her eyes, replaced by burning flames of rage. Always willing to make her glare the more menacing, Kagome quickly stood up, tightly clenched her hands into fists, and pulled her arms to her side, towering over Inuyasha and-

SHHNNNAAAAPPPPP!!!!!!!

Because she had pulled her arms back so hard, the girl's schoolblouse was stretched out fast and tight and the last button came flying off of the bottom. Her shirt flew wide open, and Inuyasha caught a front row view of her bodacious breasts. . . .and a very heavy nosebleed following right after. Kagome just stood there, stunned and wide-eyed, the hamster quickly scurrying away, unnoticed.

**(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)**

"What d'you mean "tour guide"?" Inuyasha demanded, arms crossed and two small pieces of tissue up his nostrils.

The said hanyou, Kagome, Shippo, who sat atop the schoolgirl's head, and Sango all watched Cobalt intently as he replied in his deep, manly voice, "As I said before, you have all been sucked into the monk's Wind Tunnel. If you wish to ever return to the outside world again, you must venture throughout the man's body until you find. . .another opening."

The gang's faces all became a little green at this comment.

"However," the black-haired bishie continued. "All the monsters and demons the monk has ever sucked up are lurking somewhere inside this curséd place. . . Obviously you will have to fight them sometime along your quest and also obviously, you would not know where the hell you were ever going- especially if this _mutt_ here is your leader- unless accompanied by someone who has been trapped here for quite some time now. . ."

"**WHAT DID YOU CALL M-**"

"We'd _love _you to be our tour guide!!" Sango and Kagome cut in, hands clasped together and hearts in their eyes. Cobalt then flashed the two ladies one of trademark-pretty-boy-smiles and they both nearly fainted.

"Hey, Inuyasha, Minazawa-san is really nice, and handsome, too, don'cha think??" Shippo said happily with a big, innocent smile. A fist sent right at the kitsune's small head was the inu hanyou's replied.

Inuyasha then suddenly turned back around toward the black-haired bishie. "Wait a minute, _Minazawa_," he spat irritably, hands crossed against his chest once again.

The boy gave him a questioning smile.

"You wouldn't've known Kagome was in trouble if you weren't spyin' on us or somethin', so obviously you saw the whole show with that hamster's transformation. If you've been in here for as long as you say, then you should know what that thing was and why it was born from a fungus on my foot."

Cobalt chuckled softly and began to explain. "This dimension you all are trapped in is wicked and strange. Once you return to the outside, after all the things you have been through, nothing will seem to be impossible anymore." He then simply spun around on his heel and started to walk away.

". . . . ." The gang just stared after him with blank looks, their minds completely in a fog.

"Now, then, let us be on our way!" Cobalt exclaimed to them over his shoulder. He then whipped out a battered, rolled-up piece of parchment and slowly unrolled it, never slowing his pace. "According to the map I have cleverly drawn from the time I have spent in the Kazaana, we should head. . ." He shot a hand out and pointed toward the northeast. "THAT WAY!"

"As long as _your _with us, I'm sure we'll be out of here in no time. . ." Sango and Kagome sighed as they began following the teen with mesmerized eyes.

_**Three days later. . .**_

Bags dangled under Sango and Kagome's tired eyes as they sluggishly dragged their feet across the never-ending stretch of dirt, arms nearly dragging along the ground, as well; throats dry and becoming tighter with every passing second. The two girls' shriveled up tongues hung out from between their chapped lips, no longer from drooling over Cobalt, but from complete and total exhaust-

"FORGET THE DAMN DESCIPTIONS!!!!! WE'VE BEEN WALKIN' FOR THREE FREAKIN' DAYS AND HAVEN'T HAD A SINGLE THING TO DRINK OR EAT IN _FOREVER_!!!!!" Kagome screamed.

"And it's all because a certain _bastard _had the map upside down the whole time!" Inuyasha growled into Cobalt's ear.

"Kagomeeeee, when are we gonna get outta heeeeere?" Shippo whined from atop the schoolgirl's head.

"You know what. . ." she seethed through clenched teeth. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DAMN WHINING!!!!!" The raven-haired girl snatched the little kitsune off of her head and began to strangle him in Ultimate Rage. "You can't even go one damn episode without complaining about something!!!!!" she growled as she shook his tiny body back and forth with a scowling, swirly-eyed face. "'Kagome, I'm hungry', 'Kagome, I can't sleep', 'Kagome, my Barbie Doll has a split end'!!!!!"

Everyone else just stared with wide eyes, much too frightened to move.

Finally, Sango got the courage to speak up. "Kagome, Kagome, _Kagome_!" she yelled, pulling the sobbing Shippo out of her death-grasp. "Strangling Shippo will _not _help us get food faster!"

Blinking back to reality, Kagome looked down in shame and said softly, "I guess you're right. . . I'm so sorry I blew up like that, Shippo-kun. . ."

"Now, that is much better," Sango said sweetly, gently setting the fox demon onto the ground. "Let's hurry up and find a restaurant or something so-"As soon as the kunoichi took her hands off of Shippo's waist, with a mad screech, Kagome pounced onto the kitsune, mouth frothing insanely.

The delusional girl then whipped out a deathly sharp axe, raised it high above her head as she stared down at the horrified Shippo with a hungry, swirly stare, and-

The scene suddenly switches to a still cartoon of an overly-cute-to-the-point-of-freaky anime rabbit frolicking in a serene plain, the sun and trees having overly-cute-to-the-point-of-freaky anime faces, as well.

**ENJOY THIS ANNOYING ELEVATOR MUSIC FOR FIVE SECONDS**

**AND WE'LL GET BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED PROGRAM**

The screen then switched back.

Kagome happily licked the very last drop of blood off the ground like a starving cat as the rest of the gang stared at her with eyes the size of kagami-mochi and faces a sick shade of green. Sango barely parted her trembling lips and squeaked out a, "I-"

"**_GrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!_**" Kagome's content face immediately changed into one of sheer rage as she whipped around and began chasing after Sango on all fours. The kunoichi dashed away, shrieking and hands flailing wildly.

. . .Inuyasha and Cobalt stayed unmoving, staring after them. "o.O"

After a few minutes of this, Kagome and Sango long gone from sight, Cobalt spoke up. "I believe we should go after them. . ."

Inuyasha grunted in reply, cracking his neck. "It's too late for that now. Let's go find a restaurant or somethin- WAAHHHHHHH!!"

Tha hanyou was suddenly pushed from behind and sent hurdling down into a giant, gaping hole.

**end chapter two**

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o/n:

**I am sooo very, truly, and deeply sorry that this chapter took this long to come out! Not only was damn school taking up all of my free time, I had a small case of Writer's Block as well! XP But I promise you will never have to wait _that _long again. I'm going to finish up re-writing the next chapter of Whose Line With the Hackers! and then work on Chapter Three of this. Thanks for being patient with my complete lack of updates. . . )**

**NEXT CHAPTER – Cobalt, Inuyasha, Kagome, and Sango have all been split up! They must now solve riddles, battle monsters, and face their worst fears with no one but themselves! And, wait. Why has Cobalt suddenly become suspicious. . .?**

**StAy TuNeD ;)**


	3. Dolls Are More Vengeful Than You Think

_Fallen angels at my feet,_

_Whispered voices at my ear,_

_Death before my eyes; lying next to me, I fear._

_She beckons me, shall I give in?_

_Before my end, shall I begin?_

_Forsaking all I've fallen for, I rise to meet the end. . ._

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**The Kazaana SUCKS!**

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by yours truly,

Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform

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IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. . .

**_ Chibi-san _**Don't worry, you'll find out this chapter. Just relax, relax. . . (slowly reaches toward phone to call Mental Institution)

**_ Haunt-san _**Eh, I had the urge to kill someone off. . .so I did. P (shrugs) Besides, how d'you think Shakespeare got so famous? All of his characters died in the end! D

**_ Liika-chan/Sakura-chan _**(bows at your loyalness) Cobalt is just an OC I made for this fic. And you can keep squealing, for Hamtaro is going to have a big part in this story! (keeps quiet for now ;3)

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o0o-Chapter Three-o0o

Pop music is very unhealthy, especially to the mind, body, and soul. Just look at what happened to Michael Jackson!!

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"Tehehe! Wake up, sleepy head!"

"Uhhmmmphhhh. .?" Inuyasha slurred groggily, shielding his eyes with his right arm from a burning, bright golden light shining down on him. He then slowly and cautiously opened one eye a slit to find a young, giggling girl waving at him sheepishly. "Ka-. . .Kagome??" he asked excitedly, whipping his arm away and flashing his eyelids open as he quickly sat up. He then saw that the girl standing over him looked absolutely nothing like the time-traveling schoolgirl. _This_ girl had waist-length, whitish-blonde hair, bright, American, blue eyes surrounded by lavender eyelids and long, thick lashes, perfectly-thinned eyebrows, crimson lips that seemed to be frozen in a smile, and smooth, unblemished peach skin sleek and reflecting the shining light as if it wasn't real.

"No, silly," she laughed through her smile, her lips and pure-white teeth mysteriously unmoving.

"Who _are_ you. .?" Inuyasha asked, tenderly rubbing a small lump on his forehead from the fall.

The girl tilted her head with that creepy, still face. "Barbie."

The hanyou's eyes widened in horror and his arm limply fell back to his side.

**(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)**

"Cobalt-kun. . ." a tall and thin, cloaked figure hissed evilly in the darkness.

"Master. . ." The said Cobalt-kun lowered to one knee and bowed his head in deep respect.

"With that helpless, little girl Kagome slowly heading closer and closer into danger and farther and farther away from her _mutt_ protector, we'll be able to capture her as easily as a spider does a fly. . .then wipe the rest of them out completely, FORCING THEIR SHOW _OFF THE AIR_!! MOOWAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAH!!!!!"

"Uh, speaking of, um, flies-" Cobalt sheepishly interrupted the figure's insane cackling. "There's, uh, one on your, um- Lemme just, uh-" He clamped a hand onto his master's shoulder, smooshing the poor, defenseless fly.

"NO, YOU FOOL!!!!"

_**KRASH!!!!!!!!**_

The long-haired bishounen slipped over a soggy banana peel left on the cold floor (everyone great _cartoon _has one of _those_! 33) and tumbled onto the cloaked man, revealing a flash of wood before he quickly wrapped the black cloth around him tightly once again, snarling.

"Uhhh, heheh." Cobalt swetadropped. "If it'll spare me, I'll let you know that Inuyasha is currently suffering in the RF-"

"**JUST GO FIND KAGOME AND DESTROY THE KUNOICHI!**"

"Yes, master. ;.;"

**(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)**

Inuyasha's body began to tremble. "Th-That doll Kagome had in her room. . ."

_**Flashback. . .**_

It was just another ordinary day for the IY gang, Kagome getting angry at Inuyasha for being so oblivious (again) and storming off back to her own time. _'I'M NEVER COMING TO SENGOKU JIDAI AGAIN!!' _And, of course, after being home for only five seconds, she wanted to go back, but refusing to be wrong once in her lifetime, she decided to get her mind onto another subject and went over to a friend's. Then, in the middle of the night, right on cue, Inuyasha came popping out of the Bone Gobbling well and sneaking up into the girl's second-story room from a tree leading up to the window.

"Kagomeeeee. . .?" he hissed softly into the darkness. "Kago-" His hand swept across a lock of soft, waving hair. It had Kagome's scent all over it, so he groped around until he found the light switch and flipped it on.

"**_AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**"

A smiling, blonde doll lying on Kagome's empty bed looked up at him, straight into his eyes as if possessed.

"POSSESSED TOY!!! POSSESSED TOY!!!" The dog demon swiped his hand away, but, unfortunately, one of his long claws was caught in the silky, gold strands of fake hair. With a closer look now, he noticed that its clothes were absent and the small engravings and bumps on the doll were actually unmentionable body parts.

"_NAKED_ POSSESED TOY!!!!!"

He shook and flung his hand about until he finally broke free, then quickly stumbled out the window, down the tree, and darted home on all fours.

_**(flashback scene break)(flashback scene break)(flashback scene break)(flashback scene break)**_

Downstairs in the living toom, relaxing with the paper in his favorite armchair, Kagome's father looked up from an article about shortages of apples in some foreign place no one has even heard of and toward the ceiling where his daughter's room was situated directly above him. "Honeyyyyy? You said Kagome was staying at a friend's house tonight, riiiiight?" he called to his wife.

_**Back in reality. . .**_

"You-. . . You can't possibly be. . ."

Barbie reached up and stroked a lock of hair that was about a centimeter shorter than the rest, her smile seeming to lower slightly, but Inuyasha thought he may have just imagined it. "You really did hurt me that night, Inuyasha-san. . ." she said sadly.

Pupils shrinking to black specs, the inu hanyou slowly crawled backwards in disbelief. ". . .no. . ."

Barbie's head mechanically jerked back toward him and her brows furrowed together, eyes burning with rage. This time, Inuyasha _wished_ he had imagined it. "Now it's time for _me_ to really hurt _you_!" she growled with a dark, vengeful smile.

"No. . . You're b-bigger. . . This can't be real. . ." Inuyasha began to pick up the pace with his back-crawling.

"But it ever-so-is," Barbie replied menacingly, taking a booming step forward, her body growing a foot taller with that one step. "Because this is the Room of Fears, where the deepest nightmares of your soul can come to life. . ."

Inuyasha swiftly rose up on one foot and whipped around, preparing to run, but stopped dead in his tracks, a breath catching in his throat. ". . . . .no. . . . ."

A couple of spotlight flashed on and a stage appeared before him, a group of teenaged boys in nothing but leather vests and tight pants standing there with their backs turned to him. They then spun around, stomping a foot in unison as the lights rapidly began to change colors like flying rainbows, microphones brought up to their lips. "_Bye, bye, bye!_"

"**_Don't wanna be a fool for you._**

_**Just another player in your game for two.**_

_**You may hate me, but it ain't no lie.**_

**_Baby, bye, bye, bye._**"

"_BYE, BYE, BYE!_"

". . .boy band music. . ." Inuyasha could barely manage to get out in a cracking whisper, his body freezing in place no matter how much his brain screamed for him to escape from this horrid Hell.

Suddenly, his heart nearly skipped a beat as a single piece of paper slowly floated down from nowhere and softly landed on his head. Cautiously bringing his shaking hand up and grabbing hold of the sheet, scared out of his wits of what might be written on it, he then carefully lowered his arm and held the paper out in front of his face. At the top was STORY: AN EVENING OF LUST BETWEEN INUYASHA AND SESSHOUMARU" typed in big, bold, black lettering. Gradually, more and more of these slash-incest-fanfics slowly began to rain down on him. A few gently floated down at first, but the numbers slowly began to grow, the speed at which they fell quickening, until they pounded down on his head like hail, soon burying him, suffocating him, a small ". . .h-help. . .me. . ." escaping his lips.

**end chapter three**

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o/n:

**Haha, I was just _dying_ to get this chapter out! Hope y'all liked it. Keep them reviews comin'!! 33**

**NEXT CHAPTER – Deception and nightmares galore! Also, Justin Timberlake reveals a terrible secret not meant for the ears of the weak!! And Barbie gets distracted by _WHAT_!?**

**StAy TuNeD ;)**


	4. Good Versus SNUGGLY?

_Everybody wants to hide their secrets away._

_Nobody wants to stand up to the pain._

_If you could dance with me through this rain,_

_We will fight._

_We'll fight again._

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**The Kazaana SUCKS!**

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by yours truly,

Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform

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WHAT YOU REVIEWIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?

**_+ Haunt-san + _**Why, thank you!

**_+ UberPea-san + _**Just be careful cracking up so much – I don't want you to shatter. :)

**_+ Knuckles Spyro Fox Link-san +_** You're now the assorted-video-game-characters-man! XD I'm sorry about your current position in the "Happy Home," but here's a tip: that drawer on the top right is where they keep the cookies. ;)

**_linkmaster27-san_** + Link master, eh? (eyes you suspiciously) Are you a spawn of the assorted-video-game-characters-man. . .? Anyway, thanks for the review. :D

**_Sakura-chan_** + My fingers were trembling just typing about it! Good luck with the Hammer. ;)

**_Hanyou-demoness-san_** + (strokes your hand comfortingly) It's okay, you'll be fine. . . (whispers to doctor) She's definitely not going to be fine.

**_ainominako-san_** + Aww, you're makin' me blush. . . :p

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o0o-Chapter Four-o0o

Being a hero is such hard work. Don't believe me? Then _you_ try lugging around this gigantic ego everywhere you go. Not so easy, huh?

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Brows furrowed and lips twisted in a wicked smirk, Barbie brought her mammoth of a foot over the inu-hanyou, ready to crush him when, suddenly, out rang, "Yo, bitch!"

"Who dares-?" The plastic monster spun around. . . . .and came face to face with **Ken**. "_You_! What are _you_ doing here? I dumped _you_ _MONTHS _ago!"

"I'm here to wipe that drawn-on smile off your face."

"Oh, is that it?" Barbie replied in a bored tone.

"I'm going to do it. . ." Ken puffed out his chest. ". . .WITH A VENGEANCE!"

"Ee e e e e e e e ek!" the girl shrieked in terror. A second later, though, she stopped. "Wait. How do you think _you _are going to destroy _me_, huh? Using puny weapons, like some sorry _bazooka_? I'm invincible to all of those!"

"I know your weakness. . ." Ken whispered through a mocking smile, slowly taking a step closer to her. "It will rip you apart from the inside out. . ." Another step, and he took a tight hold of her hand.

"You wouldn't. . ." she gasped, eyes wide in horror.

Ken's smirk just widenend.

"E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E K!" Barbie screeched, eyes welled up with tears. "You broke my nail! My beautiful, perfect nail! I'll never be able to show face in stores again! My life is RUINED!"

Meanwhile, Nsync was calling dead animals- er, I mean, singing louder than ever when Justin abruptly stopped. "Omigodomigod! My cookies are burning!" he wailed, and started to make a dash for it, but Nick blocked his way. "Hold up. You were baking _cookies_? You were concerned about something _other_ than the passion of creating music?"

"Dude, quit using big words like "passion" and "the"! You know it gives me migraines!" one of the other members grunted from the background, holding his forehead in pain.

Justin sadly nodded with shame. "And there's something I've been meaning to tell you. . . I was gonna say it last night when we were giving each other hot baths, but that conditioner was just-"

"Spit it out, man!"

"I'm. . . . .**a woman**."

Nick jerked back, eyes wide in utter disbelief. "E W W W W! I took a bath with a _girl_? I have cooties!"

The rest of the group was soon running in hectic circles:

"Nick touched a _girl_!"

"He has icky girl germs all over him now!"

"_Run for your life_!"

(and that's how Nsync _really_ broke up ;p)

Inuyasha stared at it all with uncertainty and confusion. "What's happ-" A sudden shift by the ground cut off his sentence, and, startled, he looked down. A small square of the floor beneath him was splitting apart right under his legs! With short, mechanic spurts, the hanyou slowly, helplessly, and quite painfully bent more and more into a split until his body forced him to give up and. . .

_SPLASH!_

Frantically, Inuyasha broke his head through the surface, gasping for air. A few seconds later, once his heartbeat calmed down to a steady pace, the steam rising around him caught his eye. He looked down at the strange liquid he was wading in. . .and his eyes bulged straight out of his head.

"NO! I'M **_CLEAN_**!"

**(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)**

Trailing along behind Sango, Kagome sadly stared into the kunoichi's back with large, puppy-eyes, whining through a muzzle.

"Now, Kagome, keep quiet while we're looking through this underground tunnel, and I'll give you a treat. . ." Sango tempted. The schoolgirl nodded drearily in reply as the two of them headed down a flight of crudely-made, stone stairs leading into. . .darkness.

"I wonder if-" Sango switched on the flashlight she had found buried in a musty pile of bones, and her face lit up like a candle. "Inuyasha's here!" she exclaimed, excitedly rushing over to the hanyou sprawled out across the bare, gray floor. Kagome followed with yips of delight.

"H r r m m m m m u m m p h h. . ." Inuyasha mumbled, rolling onto his side but still completely out of it.

Kagome sniffed him cautiously. "His odor his strangely. . .lemon-sceneted. . ."

Before Sango could react, the inu's eyelids groggily fluttered open, and his body began to stir again. "Sango? Kagome. . .?"

"Inuyasha, were you. . ._bathing_?"

A wide, goofy grin slowly spread across the latter's face as he giggled softly. "Hehehe! Yeah h h h. . . . ." He slowly rose from to his feet, then grabbed the kunoichi's wrist tightly, causing a small gasp to escape from her. "You should really try it. . ."

The square formed beneath Sango, but this time so fast, she was knocked right off her feet and a second later, taking in huge gulps of warm water. Kagome frantically rushed over and extended a hand. . .only to be pulled in head first.

"And ya can't get clean without soap. . ." Inuyasha cackled as tiny bubbles suddenly began popping up and multiplying, engulfing the girls' bodies like a swarm of mosquitoes; foam creating binding shackles around their arms and legs and angrily dragging them underwater.

"Welcome to the Room of Fears. . ." they could barely hear over the splashing and gurgling of their own struggle. A black, hooded cloak draped over a tall, slender figure methodically strode out of the shadows toward them. "Sango. Kagome," the stranger acknowledged the two drowning, standing just at the edge where floor met deathly water.

"WHO- WHO ARE Y-YOU?" Sango choked out with rage.

"I was the newest anime character on American TV. . . . . Little girls would squeal at the mere sight of me, buying plushies of me by the mounds. . . . . But I was soon thrown off the air. . .by _you_. It's the same old, cliché story: Blood and demons always triumphing over the cute and innocent." The cloak suddenly poofed into thin air, and a puny furball stood at the top of a towering pair of stilts.

"HAMTARO!" Kagome and Sango gasped in unison.

"_YES_! I'm here to wipe you and your show off the air – **permanently**! And gain the respect I deserve!"

"But we can't help it if our show's better than yours," Kagome spoke up.

"This isn't about _TV_, my dear. This is about _voices_," the little hamster growled, brows knitted together as he glared down at the schoolgirl furiously. "You think people couldn't tell my sweet, light-hearted Laura sounded identical to the quick-tempered, big-headed Kagome on Adult Swim? Well, they did, forced to choose between which character was better to watch. And they didn't choose correctly."

"**_Quick-tempered and big-headed_**?" Despite the constricting foam, Kagome ripped off the muzzle and whipped out her bow and arrow from nowhere. Her eyes focused. . . Her hand pulled back. . .

"DIE, BASTARD!" All of a sudden, there was a blur of red and a streak of yellow. A second later, Hamtaro tumbled to the floor, cottony stuffing spilling out over everything.

Inuyasha stood where a pair of stilts chopped to firewood now laid, smirking as he wiped a bit of cotton off the corner of his mouth. "My BO started kickin' in, and the evil spell wore off. Heh"

"**YOU IDIOTIC MORORN**!" Kagome screamed, face burning red.

The inu hanyou's face went straight from cocky to stupefied. "Wha-. . .?"

"I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SHOOT MY ARROW AND SAVE THE DAY, BUT _JUST LIKE ALWAYS_, YOU HAFTA GO AND SWING THAT OVERSIZED TOOTH AROUND AND STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT!"

"Well, excuse me for trying to save your life!"

"YOU SHOULD BE!"

"I AM!"

"NO, YOU'RE NOT!"

"WHAT?"

"SEE? YOU GOT YOURSELF ALL TANGLED UP IN THE WEB OF LIES YOU WOVE!"

"I DON'T _HAVE_ TO STAND HERE AND LET MYSELF BE INSULTED, Y'KNOW! I'M LEAVIN'!"

"No, wait! Inuyasha, please, I love you! I never meant to hurt you!"

"No, I'm sorry, Kagome! I shouldn't have threatened to leave you! I love you, too!"

"Are you two finished so we can _go_ now?" Sango sighed impatiently, already out of the water.

"Oh. Sorry," Kagome apologized, sweatdropping. "We just like to stay in practice."

"Anyway," Inuyasha started, sheathing Tetsusaiga. "We should prob'ly get to finding a way outta here again. Let's head this way-"

"But what about Cobalt?" Sango frantically interrupted.

"Yeah!" Kagome joined in. "We gotta find him first, so we can take him with us!"

". . .Feh."

**end chapter four**

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o/n:

**Hope you enjoyed this (rather short) chapter. :) Please review!**

**NEXT CHAPTER – Together once again, the gang goes searching for bishounen Cobalt; little do they know, he's secretly watching them from a distance. . . . .and no longer as a bishounen.**

**StAy TuNeD ;)**


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